the thong, my friends, was designed for sweet, conservative, southern good-girl types* who wouldn't think of going without panties (because what if you get in a car wreck and your mom found out that not only were you not wearing clean underwear but NO underwear!) but have an outfit or two that's just ruined by the visible panty lines. the pants are thin, made of rayon, or the skirt is really tight in the booty, whatever, but the panty lines are yuck.

you see? i mean, if these girls just wanted to be risque, they wouldn't wear anything at all *gasp*! (and damn the car wreck) and really, i mean, i understand that boys will often be excited by panties no matter what they look like, but these are just panties without anything covering your buuu... ooooh ... okay ... okay, i think i get it. it's the ass hanging out, is it? well, okay. i'll accept that. but ... honestly ... use a little imagination here, people ... cause if you're only seeing the thong peeking up over the ultra-low-rise jeans, then you're not actually getting to see any cheek. you just have to imagine it, right. by the same token, say perhaps you didn't even see the thong peeking up, bc honestly, keep your underwear in your pants ladies, but you just notice that there are no panty lines and you freak out and light up "THONG!" so how about this, even if she's just wearing her regular old cotton Wednesday panties, just imagine what's under them. *shock* yes, that's right, there's ass in them there hills gentlemen. you see how easy it is? thong or no thong, she still has an ass, i'll almost guarantee. and if you can't make that leap of logic, you don't deserve her anyway.

also, mr. janitor man, if you ever talk to me about my underwear again, you will not receive this morning's ultra-polite "fuck off and leave me alone, creep" response. i swear to god you get near me again and i will knee you right in the fucking balls, man. in a very ladylike fashion, of course.

*quit picturing Daisy Duke, man, you're blowing my whole theory