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so last week we took magnolia to the zoo. yes, in the middle of friggin july in oklahoma. yes, it was hotter than hell. what's your point? anyway, a couple of really interesting things happened there, things that confirmed yet again that we have no business being parents. as we're walking through the "hooved animals" area, magnolia spots an animal and starts hollering "donkey, donkey, donkey!!!" as in Donkey from Shrek. and it does look like donkey, certainly, so we read the sign telling us the animal's true name .... Somali Wild Ass ... despite protests jeremy immediately starts in about how he didn't know Somalia was such a rocking country and can we take our next vacation there and blah blah blah. we headed over to the "Children's Zoo" area which ... gah ... it was just the most depressing scene imaginable. all these tiny pens with no shade and tiny future heat-stroke victims trapped inside. i hated it. anyway, there is this little pygmy goat in there and magnolia keeps calling him "baaaahhh! baaaaaahh!" so i'm over there trying to get her to say "goat" while jeremy's elbowing me in the ribs. d: hissing what?!
j: are you hearing this?
d: begins to eavesdrop on conversation going on next door between a 40-something mom and a 10-something boy. boy: what is that?
mom: that's his tail, honey.
boy: pauses ... it looks weird.
mom: averts her eyes
boy: contemplates are you sure that's his tail?
mom: firmly yes, dear, that is his tail. no doubt about it.
boy: long pause ... it looks really weird.
mom: yanks the kid off toward the sea lions. so as i'm sure you realize, it was sooooo NOT his tail! but it's also not what you're thinking, you dirty birds. okay, well, it is dirty, but it was not his penis. what? but that's what we thought it was. of course you did, that's what i wanted you to think. but the truth is so much more horrifying. no, it was not his tail; no it was not his penis; yes, it was engorged; yes it was dragging the ground and all dusty and filthy and crusty ... but it was ... ahem ... his scrotum. oh my god, i disgust even myself. i wonder how many google hits i'm going to start getting for 'pygmy goat scrotum'?! and the fun never ends. last night i took her to the library, where i thought i would be safe from goat scrotum, but as we're watching the gerbils run around and frolic ... you guessed it ... "Wilbur" starts humping "Charlotte"! oh the horror ... the horror ... actually the horror will come when magnolia's old enough to say something like "look, mommy! that big mouse is jumping on that little mouse!"
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