so on wednesday nights we have our childbirthing classes. it's pretty cool how they have it set up ... they spend the first half of class scaring the ever-living shit out of you with slides and films of horrible bloody medical procedures ... then you spend the second half of the class practicing relaxation breathing and having your husband massage you. by the time you leave, your heart rate is nearly back to normal.

last night we got to see the birthing suites we'll be camped out in for an average of 8-12 hours. (mark my words, diary, i will have this baby OUT OF ME in under 4 hours. bet on it, bank on it, set your watch by it.) everything is pretty nice ... like a nice hotel suite in which you would perform horrible bloody medical procedures. wooden floors (easier to mop up), a love seat (folds out into a bed for dad), a rocking chair (for soothing the new arrival), tv/vcr (for watching austin powers while your baby is born), cheesy paintings on the wall (that slide up to reveal all kinds of oxygen tanks and other funky medical stuff), and last but not least, the strangest, most edward-scissorhands looking bed you ever saw. it kinda looks like a normal bed but for the controls along the side to move it up and down. BUT ... when the big moment comes, they remove the padding from the bottom of the bed to reveal a transformer that becomes stirrups, a "delivery tray" and a (deep breaths) "catch pan". yes, a catch pan. not for the baby ... for ... everything else that ... comes out of ya at that point. *shiver* but wanna know the very best part about this crazy-ass bed? it has a headboard. fe real. cause like somehow you're gonna see that and go, 'oh, look honey, it's just a normal bed! nothing terrifying could happen in a bed with such a nice headboard!' ???

okay, but here's the other cool thing, our instructor was talking about the 'catch pan' and started talking about a pregnant woman's greatest fear ... what's that you ask? pain of childbirth? deformed baby? no, no - crapping on the table. yes, this is our worst fear. that we are all in the moment, pushing the baby, and oh, oops, could you get that for me, doc? whoa. i lay awake at night about that one. anyway, she's talking about that and how don't worry, it happens, etc etc, BUT that while we are in earlier stages of labor and up and walking around, we can make ourselves more comfortable by being sure we "evacuate our bowels."

"evacuate."

i can't get it out of my head. i mean, i've heard the term before, but for some reason last night i couldn't quit thinking about that. like i'm gonna have to declare my bowels a disaster area and get a crew in there to get everybody out. we're gonna need some flashlights, some rowboats and life vests ...

and as is that weren't enough excitement, we went by blockbuster afterward and ran into a former student, a guy who looks just like kenny rogers and is married to al pacino's sister. i kid you not.