well this was quite an eventful weekend. saturday morning, my super cool friend deb took me to the chocolate festival where i gorged myself in a most unladylike fashion. actually, i was surprised at how quickly i gave up. i mean, i thought i would be able to put all that chocolate away, no problem, but i maxed out after about five different desserts. weak ass. i then proceeded to feel dizzy and lightheaded all afternoon from the sugar rush. ahhhh, i love not caring about my figure.

i then spent the whole afternoon preparing for squeeky's bachelorette party. everything was set, all was in place ... and then, at about 630, the shit hit the fan. i had just stopped at home to get freshened up for the party kick-off at 830. before i get in the shower, i decide to check my voicemail. damned good thing, too, because the evening's entertainment, a stripper in a cop uniform, had called me ... and cancelled. that's right. two hours before the party. with no effin excuse!! i literally freaked out. i was very, very, upset. i mean, we could have had a great time without a naked man, of course, but this was the piece-de-resistance!! it's like having a birthday party with no birthday cake! a wedding with no minister! a bris with no moile. okay, okay, enough analogies. anyways, i had already told eeeeeeverybody that we were having a stripper, and had already told squeeks all sorts of lies to make her think that we weren't having one. it was just going to suck ass to let everyone down. so while i got totally pissed off and yelled a lot, jerm got out the phone book and started the search. he called pretty much every single listing in the metro phone book under escort and entertainment/adult. (surprisingly, there are pages and pages of the above available in this area. who knew.) his conversations went something like this; "yeah, do you have any male strippers available for a bachelorette party tonight? no? do you know anyone who does?" add to this dilemma the fact that my stinking cordless phone battery was almost entirely out of juice, and we kept having to put it on the base between calls to charge up for a few seconds at a time, which served to vastly increase my stress level. it SUCKED. thank god jerm was there to calm me down, and to kindly call every seedy establishment in okc to find me a stripper. after many failed attempts, we get ahold of a guy who tells us, "you can call me slim." uhhhhhh, okay. anyway, slim says he "might know a guy" and he'll call us back. we continue to call the few places left, our hope dwindling with each negative response. at this point, i'm just trying to think which of my male friends could be successfully plyed wth alcohol until they would take their clothes off for money. then, a mere ten minutes before showtime, i get a call from a character by the name of Jonny Rio, aka, my savior. he tells me that he has managed to get me Dr. Love, only he pronounces it "Dr. Luuuuuuuuuuuuv"!! i could NOT believe it. i was so relieved! i had just enough time to thank my dear husband for finding me a stripper (it's a crazy world. somebody outta sell tickets. i'd buy one.) and rush off to the party. on my way, i start to wonder about Dr. Love ... i mean, what caliber of stripper doesn't already have a gig on a saturday night ... and i started to worry a bit. oh well, though, i mean, really, at this point, my standards were looooooow.

the party went smashingly. squeek got all manner of vile and suggestive gifts, including a penis gun where you squeeze the balls and the head shoots across the room. sheer class, i'm telling ya! we all bided our time, trying not to seem anxious, and before we knew it, it was time! Dr. Love arrived, embarrassing the shit out of squeek (mission 1 accomplished), and greatly entertaining the whole crowd (mission 2 accomplished). i mean, we all thought it would be sort of weird and uncomfortable to just gawk at some mostly-naked man two inches away from us ... but we were sooooooo wrong. he was totally awesome. absolutely gorgeous. a fitness instructor. *sigh* he probably never had so many pictures taken of him in his life. (they will be available on my site as soon as i get them developed!) and the most important thing was, while squeeks was really embarrassed at first, she ended up having an awesome time!!! and in two short weeks, we'll be celebrating her wedding. can't wait!