well, it may not be "appropriate for all audiences", but shabbydee pointed out that it would make a good tale for dottionline, so here goes.

but before i tell you, you have to promise not to worry, k? k.

so after our last ultrasound, the doc says that the placenta looks a little low. see, the baby's supposed to be down towards the bottom of the uterus, with placenta up top. you deliver the baby, then deliver the placenta, they hack the cord, yadda yadda yadda. (see, you're actually learning something today!!) however, in my ultrasound, the placenta looked a little lower than the baby. doc says it's nothing to really worry about at this point because usually as the uterus grows (and oh lord is it growing) the placenta will pull up into the correct position. if it does not, the baby is still safe, but there is a chance i would have to have a c-section. icky. anyhoo, because of this condition, known as marginal placenta previa, doc tells me that i am not allowed to do any heavy lifting. (jerm's comment: "are cheetos heavy?") no prob! after telling us that, our little tiny, prim-and-proper, cute-as-a-button female doctor goes on to say, "i also don't want you two to have sex, because we don't want anything bumping against the cervix." okay, what's so inflammatory about that, you say? well, it wouldn't have been so bad except that she had to punctuate.every.single.syllable.of.that.sentence by POUNDING her fist into her palm in a sexually explicit manner!!!

it went thusly:
"i also don't want you two to have sex because we don't want anything BUMPING (POUND!) AGAINST (POUND!) THE (POUND!) CERVIX (POUND!)!!"

mygod, we were both just bright red at this point. it was quite embarrassing. i mean, not that she doens't know how we got into this condition in the first place, but still.

then, to make matters worse, she DOES IT AGAIN! "now remember, no intercourse! no BUMPING (POUND!) AGAINST (POUND!) THE (POUND!) CERVIX (POUND!)!!"

but i guess as long as you're not bumping against the cervix, anything goes?